Vulnerability

The anxiety is overwhelming.  My hands, breath, my very soul is shaking.  My emotions feel out of control and I am at a loss for words.  Yelling, crying, being still makes no difference.  Futile efforts all done in vain.  To be still means to be swept up in a myriad of emotions, to be washed over by fear and sadness; inadequacy and self-deprecation.  I am speechless – all I can muster is a meek, “I don’t know.”  

I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know what I need.  I don’t know why I feel so alone. 

Surrounded by people, places, things and distractions yet it all feels empty and void of meaning.  I want to run away, but I have no where to go.  Is this what despair feels like?  Is this what it means to feel emotions?  Why did I stop bottling everything up – things were so much easier then.

Will I make it through this?  Will I be ok?  

How long, O Lord, how long? 

Silence.

Tears.

Shame. 

What am I going to do?  

The phone buzzes . . . 

“I am concerned about you.” 

. . . 

How can I respond?  Can I trust? Can I share? Can I be honest? Can I be vulnerable? 

“I’m concerned about me too.” 

The phone rings . . . 

Hi.  How are you? 

. . . I don’t know.

I’m afraid, I feel alone, I don’t know what to do.  All I can manage is to cry. 

Words of comfort follow – compassion, care, empathy, love.  

I’m . . . thankful. But not quite sure how to accept your words.

I’m in a dark place, a place I’ve never let anyone into before.

Can I share this space? Can I let you in? Can I let your words penetrate the darkness with me?  Can I be vulnerable? 

Take care of yourself – words that have never felt so heavy.  

What can I do for you?  

How can I answer.  I’m only starting to integrate feelings, authentic emotions into my life.  I’m trying to stop manufacturing happiness.  

I’ve never been here before, how can I know what I need.  

So I say all of this every last word.  My hand shaking, my soul trembling.  Is this was risk feel like? 

This is vulnerability.  

I let this kind and gentle spirit in.  I take off the mask of bravery and let the world see my tears.  

I am vulnerable. 

I am going to be OK.  

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